To my friend,
Hey anonymous… well I’ve run out of options on who to communicate with and that’s why I'm here. Of late I’ve been in my thoughts more frequently than usual and I don’t really know why but I don’t think it’s doing me good. I've always helped my friends, anyone I meet with and putting a smile on their face became a normalcy coz anyway ‘grace is always lighting up my world’ is what they say. So now I've reached at a point where even giving a fake smile is not my thing, sharing what I'm going through is so hard and waiting for everyone to sleep so that I can cry is what I'm doing best. Yeah, I know I don’t like it here but what scares me is I'm starting to adapt to all this and getting comfortable in a place where every sad thing that has ever happened in my life is ringing in my mind like a tune that got stuck there. I know I've always gotten support financially and for doing great things but I got so used to making people happy and so good at hiding my emotions that I forgot who I was; so now I'm almost turning 21 and I don’t even remember what it is like to be me. I don’t even know myself anymore… I am tired of fighting for people, tired of trying to fix things, tired of always being seen as the bad guy in every story where no one thinks I could be right, I am tired of trying to show people my worth; what worth anyway for a worthless person like me. I'm even ashamed to look at myself coz I disappointed the young girl, I disappointed the courageous daring happy girl, I bought sadness, sorrow and chaos to her that is why she chose to hide from me and I can’t feel her anymore because maybe she no longer exists in me. I miss her presence but even though I went back to who I was… will anything change…
Yours loving,
Grace Mghoi Mathuku.
